Stop Begging For Attention
Finding connections that don't come with a price
Some people only want to read the headings of your life or pull from their favorite quotes. Others want the full story. They want every word and every page, sometimes twice.
Some friends want the 20-second reel, while others are there for the 50-minute video, bloopers included.
Short-form content isn’t limited to social media consumption. Emotionally unavailable people make you feel like you’re fighting for their attention. The ones that “like” you at your best and scroll right on by when you’re not offering them a good time. You find yourself studying the algorithms of their hearts and the trending topics of their minds so you can keep them hooked and stop them from clicking away.
We don’t usually realize when we’re begging for attention. We make a conscious effort not to try too hard. I recently learned that even “double texting” is a social faux pas.
It could be less obvious, like adjusting yourself to fit into other people’s emotional limits or staying agreeable so you don’t risk being left out. So why do we return to people who don’t match our energy? Who can’t see the authentic presence we offer and mirror it back to us?
We’ve become a society afraid of looking desperate while also starved for authentic closeness.
I don’t think the problem is wanting the attention, time, and effort; it's feeling like we have to fight for them. It’s choosing people and patterns that leave us feeling almost seen, but never quite. Enough attention is offered to come back, but not enough to feel like it adequately sustains the connection. Sometimes, we even leave the relationship feeling more starved and strained.
It’s hard to accept that not everyone wants to know you deeply. Some people only want access to the part of you that is easy to engage with. They think you’re funny or offer good social connections. While others can’t meet you where you’re at, even if they tried. The understanding is off, and the wavelengths simply don’t align.
Yet we get hooked, almost fascinated with people who don’t like us, as if it’s a puzzle to be solved or a challenge to win. This results in the kind of surface-level attention, a sort of temporary external approval. When connection is measured this way, people learn to shape themselves around what keeps others engaged. This can derail your relationship with yourself in unimaginable and heartbreaking ways.
The attention and approval from shallow sources pull you away from your own. It breaks down your understanding of acceptance, authenticity, truth, love, and intimacy. It can even erode your ability to self-reflect, hold meaningful conversations, or sustain connections that invite depth. Eventually, you will only be able to offer what you’ve learned to accept.
Attention is a powerful drug. No matter where it comes from. But the source matters.
Soul-satisfying connections feel safer and more sustainable. They happen with people you do not feel you have to chase, or with a closeness you can maintain. Attention comes from novelty, energy, and timing. Connection comes from consistency and a willingness to stay when things are not so pretty.
Most people learn this pattern early. If care was inconsistent growing up, you might have learned that love must be earned through effort. As an adult, this shows up as trying to be interesting enough or easy enough to keep. This unconscious desire to belong causes you to betray yourself and manipulate others.
What you crave is not attention; it is intimacy. The kind that feels like being chosen because they are emotionally available, present, and reliable. Their intentions are pure, and their actions match their words. You crave good people, not a lot of people. Valuable time together, not frivolous attention.
To let go of attention-based connection, get honest about what actually nourishes you, and dare to raise your social standards. Notice where you feel pressure to stay impressive or performative versus where you are allowed to stay real.
The shift begins with different questions. Instead of asking whether someone likes you, you ask whether you can be yourself with them. Instead of wondering how to keep their interest, you notice whether they show interest in your inner world. Instead of chasing reassurance, you observe who offers steadiness without being prompted. These questions help you navigate compatibility.
In practice, this looks simple. You stop carrying conversations that are not being mutually held. You speak honestly instead of smoothing things over to avoid discomfort. You notice when you leave interactions feeling smaller instead of clearer. You allow some relationships to fade instead of forcing them to deepen.
Not everyone can traverse beyond the surface of your life. They will enjoy the good times and disengage when the story deepens. And that’s tolerable for a time, as long as you manage your expectations with such acquaintances. But they’re not meant to be prioritized or pursued. Turn your heart toward the love that doesn’t cost you your depth.
Toward those who stay when the party’s over. They care about context, not just moments, and are there when there’s nothing to gain. These are the relationships worth nourishing. These are the kind of people who embrace the human need for meaningful connection and honor it. Even when it’s not trending to be vulnerable, even when being deep isn’t cool. They won’t run from your double texts or be intimidated by your soulful expression or your moments of silence.
You don’t need many witnesses to your inner world. You just need the ones who know how to sit with it. I hope you find your people, but more importantly, I hope you don’t settle until you do.
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Sending you love,
Vex King