“When transitioning from being a people pleaser to someone with more boundaries, it's hard to tell if you're being mean or just listening to your own feelings because you're so used to only thinking about others.”
— Unknown (potential source)
Healing means going through dozens of emotions, sometimes all at once, and understanding where to place and process them. One of the more complex of these is anger.
As you grow, you recall all the times you were taken for granted, used, abused, and excused. You may start recognizing that certain painful experiences have scarred your life in ways worse than you had imagined.
Coming to stark understandings can reshape how you perceive people and their intentions. And this puts you at risk of creating fear-driven boundaries. And instead of protecting your well-being, you may just be keeping good people out.
For the sake of the topic, I’m referring to boundaries created within loving relationships and sincere connections.
Diving In
People pleasing, vulnerability, and presence
If you’ve put the feelings and needs of others before your own too many times, you know the relief boundaries can provide. They teach you to measure the energy you can offer accurately and when you need to preserve it.
Boundaries also prevent resentment toward people you care about. By creating a healthy dynamic that allows you to honour your needs, you can show up happily and authentically to your connections.
But sometimes boundaries can go too far.
By assuming everyone impedes your personal peace and puts you at risk of overextending your energy, you may preemptively enforce a boundary. The perceived threat could actually be a fear of being vulnerable.
“The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.”
— Lorraine Nilon
By finding internal safety and a sense of awareness, vulnerability won’t be so intimidating. And the more presence you practice, the easier alignment comes with those you connect with. This creates clarity with whom you’ll have to uphold which boundaries.
It’s called a boundary because it’s the line where you and another person meet. It’s the point where limits misalign, and an understanding must be defined.
Yet, too many boundaries posed too soon can come off as an attempt to control a situation instead of extending trust in others and inviting them to express themselves.
“Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden.”
— Lydia Hall
Surfing Success
The hows of healthy boundaries
Confidently create boundaries that allow love to grow instead of squeezing it out by referring to the following checklist.
The boundary came about naturally due to an event.
These boundaries don’t create fear, resentment, or distance.
The boundary promotes deeper understanding.
Both people exercise boundaries to protect the connection.
The boundary comes from self-love and not fear.
Boundaries that weaken a connection…
Relationship “rules” are created to control (manipulative).
Made out of fear.
Lack compassion, acceptance, or healthy tolerance.
Impede the values and beliefs of another.
“A healthy boundary is one where each person understands that they have their own thoughts and feelings and can maintain a curiosity about the other person's thoughts and feelings without making assumptions.”
— MacMillan
Making Waves
Journal prompts to better understand the nature of your boundaries
What are my biggest fears in a relationship?
How much do I trust the people in my life?
What have I been tolerating too much?
Do I have preemptive boundaries made from fear?
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Sending you love,
Vex King